Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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