In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
