The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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