So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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