Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
