He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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