I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
