Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
