I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
