Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
