i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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