Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
