tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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