You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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