I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i have herpe
just one?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
