WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
