Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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