On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
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My thoughts exactly.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
