I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How does one acquire holy water?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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