"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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