You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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