i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
