i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
