One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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