What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
