I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
