Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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