I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
