I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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