at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
