You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
