Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
