"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
