i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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