I wish I could teleport
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
