Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
