I hate all girls vehemently.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
