I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
