oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
