in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
