aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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