I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
