thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm both gender and math confused
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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