my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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