A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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