My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
