You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
