my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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