dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
