Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
No I am not eating basil off your cock
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize