I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
