you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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