I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
