If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
