I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
should my penis look like a turkey
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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