How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
