I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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