Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
