I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
