Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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