so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
