Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
