I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
