I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize